Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
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Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
when mom throws a party…
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.