Social media is proof that even mental hospitals have WiFi.
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{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
The worst part of getting new shoes is the breaking in phase. Once you’ve broken into the shoe shop, the rest is easy.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
i’m not “wearing a costume” that would be childish and silly. i’m wearing a disguise
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
If I was a bartender, anytime someone asked for a drink I would say “Why don’t you take a pitcher, it’ll last longer.”
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?