Social media is proof that even mental hospitals have WiFi.
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Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
He took my last fry, your honor
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.