Social media is proof that even mental hospitals have WiFi.
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Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
My biggest fear about being on death row is having to choose a last meal. “I don’t know, what do you want?”
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
#dnd #ttrpg
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
is frankincense just very honest incense?
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack