Social media is proof that even mental hospitals have WiFi.
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I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder