Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
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Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.