Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.

I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.

‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’

~The monster under my bed

Bully: gimme ur sandwich

Me [pulls knife]

Bully: hey man I don’t want any-

Me: -crusts. i know

Lets all agree,

having your cake and eating it too,

is the same damn thing.

No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything

not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact

If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.

Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.

When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.

anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?

“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”

Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.

I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.

At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.

I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.

Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.

Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.

For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.

Jury duty

[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!

Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.

Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.

It’s on my to-do list.

ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.

Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.

The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.

Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?

[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog

PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine

ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny

PHYSICIST: Not that many

after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion

I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.

before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life