Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.

It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.

This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.

Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.

Yes, I’m English.

No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.

first responders? you mean reply guys?

I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.

sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them

Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart

[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean

[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*

Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.

imagine jeffrey dahmer walking into a 5 guys and reading the menu like well that’s def not what i was expecting.

My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.

Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.

I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”

Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.

Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.

YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button

Hulk: way ahead of you bud

Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!

I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻

This is what happened. I hit the scorpion emoji by accident which made it go into my frequent emojis & it was very hectic & I wasn’t paying attention & most of my texts to people yesterday ended with a scorpion by mistake instead of a heart. Anyway. Sorry about all the scorpions

I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.

I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.

Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.

Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.

scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old

me: i believe it

waiter: this plate is hot

me: yeah right *touches it*

My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.

In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.

Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.

It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.