Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.

Kim – Where is North West?

Kanye – *takes out compass*

Kim – I mean my baby!

Kanye – I’m right here.

Kim – Jesus Kanye!

Kanye – Yeezus*

cop: what happened?

librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks

coo: how’d he do that?

librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket

I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.

It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.

Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.

REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.

*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*

Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool

Kenickie: sure bro

Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly

Kenickie: wait what

It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again

Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.

It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.

Me: *brings a package inside*

4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?

Me: Just some bras.

4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.

People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.

And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”

Lately I have the attention span of wait what

Can’t. Being lazy.

You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.

20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day

Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.

You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one

Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?

Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee

If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.

[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight

[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him

Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be

Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them

Athena: interesting

Medusa: why

Athena:

Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that

Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me

shop assistant: do you need help?

me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle

Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.

Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.

nothing like a slow cooked sausage