Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.

If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.

Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.

I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.

New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.

Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.

I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it

[first day in gang]

LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart

ME: oh i am

LEADER: prove it

ME: *names every street in city*

LEADER: holy shit

Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.

*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer

I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.

My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.

Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?

Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.

Kids: [inside playing on their phones]

Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.

[3 minutes later]

Kids: [outside playing on their phones]

Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills

Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills

Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired

Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go

Interviewer: dammit

Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.

Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.

DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”

*Groans*

*Sobs*

*sighs*

*a solitary gunshot*

A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.

Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?

Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.

Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?

The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons

Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet

I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.

*paints car camouflage*

*stops making payments*

I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat

*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well

*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually

It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.

[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS

We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.

Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.