Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
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10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
I put the p in pants.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Trick or treaters are coming to my house asking for candy but I’m giving them something even better: a lecture on the importance of voting
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕