Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.

Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???

Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*

Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.

Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.

Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.

She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.

How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?

*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*

Acme online: people who buy this also buy

– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil

BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats

Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.

*pulls up to window*

Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*

“You need to take better care of yourself.”

– four physicians that I’ve outlived

Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?

Me: Are you going to test me?

Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-

Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk

Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.

Everyone else at speed dating:

Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.

Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me

Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER

My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.

uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…

i thought i was being cool by telling a young barista that her t-shirt had my friend’s band on it, and she said, “oh i really respect the older generation”

HR: We need to see you for a moment

Me: Is this about the nail clipping?

He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails

If there’s ever an alien invasion I hope it doesn’t start while I’m asleep. I hate being woken up before my alarm.

Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop

*Puts on muscle shirt*

*Looks in mirror*

Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.

You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.

Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather

Me:

Her:

Me: you study whether what?

me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog

midwife: no, you won’t

I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.

Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?

God: Frig sakes.

Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?

Househunters, but for birds

Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.

Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops

Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick

My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday

Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.