Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…

All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.

An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?

ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.

I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.

hate the questions they ask you when you go through customs. “do you have any friends in canada” no bro and why are you rubbing it in

I like to keep my wife guessing by walking around the backyard carrying a ladder and a chainsaw.

Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god

I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado

me: like taking candy from a-

giant baby: no no, please go on

I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.

I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.

getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib

I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container

before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.

If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.

tad speechless. husband just woke me up from my football nap by holding a warm piece of pizza under my nose until the smell got me sniffing and twitching like a dog. “I can’t believe that worked”

Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.

My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”

Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”

[spelling bee]

Your word is “pneumonia”.

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.

Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice

Me:

Obama:

Me:

Obama:

Me:

Obama:

Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while

Obama:

Me: like we all know who he is, but

Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™

Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for

. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/

🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/

🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/

The regular crowd

👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /

Shuffles in

how does world hunger exist when we can fry air.

My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book

Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate

Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand

H: I can’t eat chocolate

Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*

An evil villain is on the loose

Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?

[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]

Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me

Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship

2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk

HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?

ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?