Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
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I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.