SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
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Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
life lately
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
imagine getting destroyed like this
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate