Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.

Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?

My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up

Son: What’s for dinner

Me: Tater tots

Son: What else?

Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur

maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground

[blind date]

Her: so what do you do for fu..

Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE

suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself

the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.

he taught us drama alright.

[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?

Not to brag…

… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.

“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.

This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.

Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver

Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud

My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.

Friend: What’s your favourite season?

Me: Of which show?

Friend: 😐

Me: 😶

Friend: 😕

Me: 😐

Me: 👀💭

Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.

“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”

Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.

Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?

Him: …

*peeks under bathroom stall*

Did you hear me?

According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well

Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?

Me: Mad devil

Therapist: You have to stop

Me: Crying cat

Therapist: No

Me:

Therapist: Very good

Me: Dancing lady

No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.

[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way

Being a goldfish must be brilliant. Every six seconds you’re pleasantly surprised to find that you live in a castle.

I don’t know how my parents avoided boredom before the internet. My 13 brothers and sisters don’t know either.

Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.

I bet the guy who invented pants wasn’t even wearing any pants when he invented them.

Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?

My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…

detective: what happened?

librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks

detective: how’d he do that?

librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket

God: *frowns*

Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.

I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.

losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<