SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
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Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
True.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”