@Ray_stephan

Society: Be yourself.
Society: No not like that

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@mom_tho

My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster

@3Snowbee3

I keep my fitbit in the original box same as I do my special edition Malibu Barbie.

@djdarrellripley

Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.

Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.

Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.

@KimmyMonte

Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.

@jannable9

Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.

How the tables have turned Kate.

@KrangTNelson

“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep

@Gotham3

If I got a dollar every time a girl said I wasn’t her type, I’d be her type.

@Spaziotwat

Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit

@Bob_Janke

Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.