Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.

Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.

I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.

Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take

Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave

My Australian friend: We don’t have 4th of July here

Me: so you just go from the 3rd to the 5th? That’s weird

Bullshit doesn’t pay the bills unless you’re a politician or in sales

*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]

I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.

my retirement plan is braless

Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door

Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?

Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?

Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?

Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!

Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.

[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?

SpongeBob has such a good life. Make burgers, catch jellyfish, play with friend. I want that. I want that for me. And I would have no problem with disposing of him in order to get it

Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.

My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!

Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*

Her: that’s it. I’m leaving

Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?

Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible

do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay

Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.

I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.

At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”

Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio

Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*

Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?

there is a guy i see every single time i’m at the gym. morning, night, midday, twice a days, i’m like this is outrageous. today, i’m here & there are two of them. they’re twins lmao it’s all adding up

There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.

My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them

Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?

Hawk o the mornin tuah

88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.

*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so

I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.

He’s awfully thin…