Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
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It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
When folks describe me as ‘a riot’, you might think it means I’m ‘fun and hilarious’. It really means I’m ‘broken glass and molotov cocktails’.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
That new corduroy pillow is really making headlines
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no