Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made

I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.

Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?

My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—

Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!

Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.

Me: *cautiously taps*

Cashier: Not against my forehead.

Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.

I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense

I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.

* has cake for breakfast

* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber

* blames running shoes

Me when someone tries to get to know me

Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.

T: You need a break
M: Yes.

T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?

T: Hell no.

Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.

Kids: Where?

Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.

Kids: WHERE!

Me: He’s picking up our car.

Kids: WHERE?!?

Me: He’s hurling us through the air.

Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!

Going to a hair-washing party tonight. Really don’t want to go but I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out of it.

Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!

Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche

*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*

I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.

The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not

My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.

Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?

Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.

Customer: …

I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.

When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.

Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”

My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷

Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥

I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide

[at DMV]

Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first

Guy in line: that’s not a thing!

Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu

Guy: wha-

Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*

Clerk: cup or cone

Me: cone pls 🙂

Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie

Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?

Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?

Me: yes.

Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.

My phone just filmed a 2 hour documentary about life inside my purse

I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.