Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad

I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat

My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.

Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.

Someone wants you to stop at the store.

SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener

everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive

All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.

“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”

-People

Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT

The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.

*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*

Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience

*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*

[autopsy]

Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever

I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.

I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids

Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”

Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great

jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy

Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?

Roman: Just the one, thanks

GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…

None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.

How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.

I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.

Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.

what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks

[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people

Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁

Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively

This took me a second..

[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow

My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.