Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I wish there were more hours in my day

the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey

m; eew. no. not you.

[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it

You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it swim

Ladies, why y’all do this?

Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.

Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.

Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.

Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.

I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER

TODAY

My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.

He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous

could’ve been anyone

Waitress: Breakfast is over

Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.

Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.

Me: Okay, eggs then.

Waitress: Bacon or sausage?

Me: …Bacon.

Waitress: Do you want toast?

Me: ….

The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed

Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.

He replied: My Mother-in-law!

We fist bumped.

*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?

At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.

Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.

I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.

Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.

I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.

I’m starting to regret building that time portal. A version of me from a dystopian alternate future keeps coming back to eat my chips. He says the alien government’s killbots won’t let them have snacks, but he always shows up covered in Cheeto dust.

First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count

Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?

Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.

Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.

[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”

you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice

Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best

Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.