Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Goodnight 🐶

morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it

I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.

Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures

” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”

-God

The year twenty five😃
will bring us all the pie🥧
will bring us all the pie🎼🥁
(gets pie in the face)

I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?

Twitter has ruined me.

Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.

Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?

Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.

Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?

I like my men well-rounded

and sweet

and rich

and available

and covered in sprinkles

wait a minute…

that’s donuts

I like donuts

Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.

THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.

why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials

I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.

married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.

Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up

Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out

Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie

I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!

(Sigh)

I just don’t know what to keep it in….

HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.

ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end

HER: wtf?

Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage

Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk

what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep

Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.

We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.

Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this

In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.

Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured

5: I’m bad at this puzzle

Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!

5: yeah, because you’re bad at it