SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment

ME: what if it’s sent by ship?

SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo

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A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.


It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.


Dear pansexuals, do you prefer cast iron or nonstick?

Asking for a friend.


I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.


-This is my son Michelangelo.
-Oh, like the artist.
-Um no like the Ninja Turtle.


Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.


If you accept small grammatical errors, decent society collapses and then everyone starts marrying dogs. That’s what happened to Australia.


A prickle of porcupines
A murder of crows
A flamboyance of flamingos
A twitter of depressed, alcoholic perverts
A shrewdness of apes
A parla