SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
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I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?