@clichedout

SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment

ME: what if it’s sent by ship?

SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo

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@awescar

A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.

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It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.

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Dear pansexuals, do you prefer cast iron or nonstick?

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@KenJennings

I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.

@bakedbrotatoes

-This is my son Michelangelo.
-Oh, like the artist.
-Um no like the Ninja Turtle.

@Vice_Queen

Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.

@markleggett

If you accept small grammatical errors, decent society collapses and then everyone starts marrying dogs. That’s what happened to Australia.

@mofrorock

A prickle of porcupines
A murder of crows
A flamboyance of flamingos
A twitter of depressed, alcoholic perverts
A shrewdness of apes
A parla