SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
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my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
The best plant holders?
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.