Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
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I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
Man sits by me on train.
MAN: Loads of psychopaths around here
ME: Really?
MAN: Loads mate
ME: How’d you know?
MAN: There’s signs aren’t there?
ME: I guess?
MAN: I love them
(47 minutes of awkward silence.)
Man leaves train, he has a bike. I realise he was saying ‘cycle paths’.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
I’m not lazy… I just don’t have the desire to come up with a more accurate way to describe myself right now
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.