Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
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“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
I’d rather go liquor treating.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
4 year old has a new bit where he pretends to have a fatal scooter accident. it’s very funny but the other patrons of the farmer’s market seemed alarmed
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.