Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

uncle dave has been through hell

[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home

me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight

me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding

coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.

me: God?

coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.

me: (nods) Cheesus.

roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti

It’s Open Mike Night at the autopsy lab.

Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that

The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.

All thanks to the dad.

Papa Razzi.

Goodnight everyone

Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About

Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.

[CPR dummy coming home from work]

WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?

DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job

Above the law? I’m 5’3” tall, I’m barely above the counter.

Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday.

But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.

I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints

#Caturday

Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.

Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”

Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.

me: I don’t like other people’s kids

them: how old are yours?

me: I don’t have any

I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.

Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids

I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day

I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.

Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”

what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar

I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it

Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present

Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours

you learn something new every day oh god make it stop

I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.

Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.