Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
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Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
I just post them. I don’t explain them.
Buying a well is money well spent.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
HR has told me to stop saying ‘how stupid can you be?’ to members of staff. They’re worried it’s being taken as a challenge.
She: I think our sex would be off the charts!
Me: You have sex charts?
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.