Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
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it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
I ran 5 miles this morning. That bee was huge!
Risking my life for fun.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
My 8yo made breakfast* for himself and his younger brother, and I’m so proud
*opened popsicles
I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Camel dough
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.