Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
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Just rolled a joint. Not to get high or anything. It was just my ankle
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
A sick whale is called an unwhale
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
“LOOK JUST GIVE US THE BREAD, BARBARA, WE DON’T WANT TO HURT YOU”
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time and then they marry each other.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
That lamp looks PISSED.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?