@ClichedOut

Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.

Me: What about sharks?

Society: We’ll give them a whole week.

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@Shot_Of_Cabo

Managing your weight around the holidays just requires a little planning..

For example, I took the batteries out of my scale on Wednesday.

@rockymomax

[in hell journal day 211]

I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me

@VanVeenB

Good mothers let you lick the beaters when they’re making a cake. Great mothers turn the mixer off first.

@goofyrice

I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.

@Megatronic13

Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers

Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??

Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER

@iamburtjarvis

me: wanna hang out?

southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah

me:

@cravin4

After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”

Now what do I do?

@robfee

Finding Nemo (2003) A father is criticized for being overprotective after his wife & kids are murdered & his only surviving son is kidnapped