Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
You Might Also Like
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
This is my emotional support knife.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
me irl
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…