society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
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“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
me: you know what I need?
body: vitamins? water? a vegetable?
me: another coffee.
body: you mother fu-
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
*furtive glance to make sure no one is listening* I keep my friends close and my enemies as far away as possible but don’t tell people that, we got a good thing going with the other thing
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse