society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
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No I’m not feeling old when the first member of my son’s varsity football team from hs is getting married tonight.
Not feeling old AT ALL!
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
phew
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Monopoly gave me unrealistic expectations of how easy it would be to:
1) Find free parking
2) Join the property ladder
3) Buy my way out of prison
4) Get bank errors in my favour
5) Steal money from banks when no-one was looking
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
What if the weather talks about us?
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
you should fight them
– me as a therapist
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
When you have to use a public restroom.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.