society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
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Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Are you guys ready for tomorrow??? It’s gonna be a HUGE day. I hope you’re prepared. I love taco Tuesdays. Gonna eat so many.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
uncle dave has been through hell
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
[forgetting what kombucha is called] do you guys sell bacteria cider
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
I haven’t given up on my fairy-tale ending. I still plan to be eaten by a wolf.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream