society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
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God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
just left a huge legacy in there
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
Did I do this right
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
A police officer just stopped me due to the terrible state of the sleeve on my cardigan, which is covered in small balls of thread. I’ve been charged with grievous bobbly arm 😔
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT