society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool

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Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake

“Oh, insomnia?”

No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?


I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.


If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands


I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.

It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.


Bananas will never talk shit about you. Not because they don’t have mouths….but because they respect the choices you make.


Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.


[Looking at something funny on my phone]

Husband: Let me see?
Me: Of course. One second.

[Resets phone to factory settings]

Me: Here you go.


When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready


Netflix should have the option to not just resume from when you shut it off, but to resume from when you fell asleep.