society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
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Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded