Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”

You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….

i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.

Robber: This is a stick up

Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean

[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?

That incredible ability of cats to only throw up on carpeted floors.

You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.

The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?

Batman: ?

Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.

[my first day as a psychologist]

patient: i’ve been hearing voices

me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours

I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.

If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.

The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know

BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail

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In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”

If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore

My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.

Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;

And the way I did it.

Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.

Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.

Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.

me: i’ve committed adultery. i’ve been doing a lot of adulting.

therapist: no.

I just tried to poach an egg and I now understand why eggs Benedict is $24

“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.

“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines

HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.

Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd

HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!

ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.

Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that

Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.