@FiannMacFool

Sociophobia is the fear of friends.

Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.

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@PlainTravis

I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.

@BillMc7

Seems like Hello Kitty should be a brand of condoms.

@mommy_cusses

Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.

@10InchesPlus

Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.

@theshantilly

If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.

@junejuly12

One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.

I think about that a lot.

@jellybnbonanza

When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.

@BlondAmbitionTO

Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.

Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.

@iwearaonesie

*lays head on homeless guys lap*

“You would not believe the day I had”

@AsgardianRose

I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.