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@FiannMacFool: Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
@sbellelauren: whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i'm doing god's work
@shawnspree: Wife: Why do I have a temperature of 101.3?
Me: Maybe you're pregnant?
Wife: What's wrong with you?
*damn you webMD, damn you.
@DanLaMorte: I was on a date with a girl and she said "did you notice my finger nails?" And I was like "yes" and she was like "well I have no arms"
@CauseWereGuys: Now we know..
@HatfieldAnne: In the early hours, the hoarse retching of a cat with a hairball. First one out of bed has to clean up. My bladder is empty. Bring it.