@FiannMacFool

Sociophobia is the fear of friends.

Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.

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@internetluke

[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911

@Vodkantots

I wanna be famous, but only so I can name my kids Wombat and Pumpernickel.

@daddydoubts

My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.

@PetrickSara

If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.

@ArfMeasures

Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha

Me: I don’t get it

Early bird: I do

@clichedout

me: how much for the dog bouquet

girl walking dogs: what

@English_Channel

Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”

@DrakeGatsby

Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-

Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.

Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-

Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*

Him: How do you even steer?

Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.

@heytonyiscool

I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*

@Rollinintheseat

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.