Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.

If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.

ME: So you’re into religion. Really??

DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.

ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.

GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM

“I can’t please everybody.”

“You’re not pleasing anybody.”

“So you agree with me.”

Nothing infuriates me more than when I’m on my phone and something wants me to scan a QR code. With what Jan? With. What.

1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. Me

Things my wife doesn’t want in cider

I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside

Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…

Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.

Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.

I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.

I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit

Me: I’m going to poop

Dog: Great I’m coming with you

Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.

*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again

Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?

Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena

Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.

I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.

When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up

I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers

How I’d get arrested…

Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.

I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.

The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.

Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”

Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying

netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever

So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.

i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t

I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.

ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh