SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
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Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
“So basically, they’ll either be able to go back 10 seconds by tapping this one, or about an hour and a half by pressing this one and leaving it for over 0.3 of a second”
“Anything in between?”
“Nope”
[Standing ovation]
“Rewind” department meeting at streaming service HQ.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
My mom came out of light anesthesia just now and she’s yelling about how nice and thick my hair is, hey I’ll take the compliments where I can get them