Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?

[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care

me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table

Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…

Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.

I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.

The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…

…again.

Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.

I just had a near death experience

Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT

Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now

“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand

If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat

I’m about to lose 20 pounds.

*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.

Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.

My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume

[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?

Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!

4 yo: “Miss Katie, when you were a baby did your parents die and leave you alone?”

My friend: “Sorry, they watched Annie yesterday.”

😂😂

Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.

Dawn’s coming over.

“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”

*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.

“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works

When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.

Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!

Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?

If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.

Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.

Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl

“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.

I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”

If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.