Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.

The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.

One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely

Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.

3.

The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.

i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles

teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]

me: ok lol

[later]

me: hey what the f-

Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’

ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?

NEIGHBOR: Deborah

Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-

Me: Drinks?

W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY

Me: Margarita?

haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table

Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.

g
a
r
d
e
n
e
r: what can I do for you?

me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener

Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!

Room with a view.

lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞

6 year old: if you were an adult just like now, so you were you, but you were a little kid in my kindergarten class would you know all of the stuff you know now or would you just be learning everything like we are?

me: did you eat any of the gummies in my toolbench?

If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.

When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?

Horrifying if literal: foot locker

Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?

thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres

I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.

So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”

Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.

Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom

Snape: omg same

Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”

Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.

New friend- What do you do for a living?

Me- Disappoint my family.

Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks

*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?

Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now