Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
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When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
I think I’m having a stroke
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.