Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of

[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months

Boss: There’s a meeting at 3.
Me: Unsubscribe.
Boss: What?

Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich

#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next

Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”

Telling my friend they will end up with the partner they deserve (insult but said in the tone of a compliment)

*first day as a vegan*

“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”

Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”

A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.

Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.

“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”

Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down

Double negatives are never not confusing.

Person: It’s not rocket science.

Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.

I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.

me: [donating body to science]

science: [donates my body to goodwill]

STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.

Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great

[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.

[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?

It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.

-me, to the vegetables in my fridge

What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.

Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony

WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes

🥴😂

Every laptop should have a “cat” button that disables the keyboard so they can nap

*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL

ME: How was your first day?

MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you

ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok

I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.

I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day