Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.

Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.

I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.

My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.

Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?

Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.

Friends: C’mon, just have one….

Me: Ok, maybe just one.

[ three hours later at the club ]

Me:

if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet

It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello

[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”

NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED

Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”

So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing

The Others (2001)

I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…

I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk

for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.

Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]

Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]

I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that

Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.

[knock on door]

JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?

ME (hates gossip): no

Me: Do you have homework?

11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?

Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”

Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime

Him: Hi

Me: I bet you say that to all the girls

The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.

Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”

-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…

I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.

I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children

[8 AM]

Me: Time to wake up.

[13 HOURS LATER]

Me: Time to go to bed.

Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.

Was just walking along when I got news that caused me to clasp my hands over my face in gentle despair, at which point a passing teen with impeccable timing shouted ‘Peekaboo!’ at me.