Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
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My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Someone came up to me today, holding a beer, and claimed to be the best ventriloquist in the world. But I think it was the drink talking.
When I was a little girl, I always dreamed of growing up to satisfy user needs in a way that meets business goals for transformative outcomes
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Godzilla represents a desire in all of us for our reputation to shift from being seen as a baddie to a good guy while changing our behaviour in no way, shape or form.
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.