Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
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“The engine light is on” Yeah that means it’s working
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Who called it med school and not the I.V. League
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
I asked my 6 year old if he wanted to try out again for the school play and he said no I think I’ll take a break from Hollywood.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.