Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
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I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Care for your back
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
-Ordering a pizza $40
-Having it delivered $5
-Having your kids eat the whole thing before you get home
Sliceless
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that