SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
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We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
My apartment is a mess, I should move
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
our love story in four pictures
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Excerpt from my fantasy novel. Reminder to editors: new authors pour their souls into their manuscripts. Feedback like “Did you spend all your time inventing the elf language?” and “I think you spent too much time making the elf language” is NOT helpful
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
I bought an ironing board from a 20 year old on Facebook Marketplace and I barely resisted the urge to ask him if his mom knew he was selling it
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.