Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: do you gift wrap

drug dealer: what

orange cat behavior

I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.

TWEET CALL

Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️

Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.

friend: what day is it today

me: it’s mar 10

friend: like mario!

me: itsa mar 10

I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.

I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?

Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*

Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*

Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”

Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.

Well played ladies, well played.

Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat

To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.

My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.

I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…

Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”

be aware when you do a search and replace in your script to change someone’s name from Chris to Ryan that suddenly your characters are going to be talking a lot about the upcoming Ryantmas season

COP: pull over

ME: lol no it’s a cardigan

*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*

“This just in..”

My foot to my mouth.

if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine

I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”

trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies

I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.

me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.

executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?

[alternate universe]

Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵

Put a ring on it

Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.

The good ones are already taken.

[Limbo contest]

Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog

her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?

me: i added ginger

her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger

ginger: *wet meows*

haha same