Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.

3yo: I won’t.

Wife: hey guys.

3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.

[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy

I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard

My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.

Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,

“You cannot park there”

“It’s not my car”

“You have to move it”

“It’s not my car”

“Move it or get a fine”

“It’s not my car”

Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”

“It’s not my car”

Hansel and Gretel is my favourite childhood story about cooking an old lady in an oven

If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.

Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”

The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.

My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.

me: *googling* am I dying

web md: nope just sad

me: oh good

web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh

me: that’s fair

web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent

me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again

me: hey, you wanna get outta here?

museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue

It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.

Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*

Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.

Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.

We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made

when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks

Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.

Laverne, at age 11, has learned that she can nip people to get their attention. It’s cool that she can still learn new things but why are these things never “being nice”

Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.

I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.

So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”

They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.

My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.

Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”

Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.

Mom, look at my diarrhea.

— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair

Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”

I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.

It’s blood…I’m made of blood.

My dogs are always 100% by my side, unless my kids are eating food in their rooms, which they are not to do. So, whenever I am sans dogs, I yell, “Get the food outta your room!”

Just heard my 10 y/o say to his Fortnite buds, “Omg you guys, I think my mom’s a witch!”

Success😎