my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
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Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
I’m literally crying
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
They’re stuck in your pants?
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit