socratic questions
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MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Tuesday
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
My sex drive has a dui
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
[doctor hands my wife our newborn son] congratulations
my wife: do u want to hold him
me: yes [picking him up and gently cradling him until i start to cry] wow. he’s so precious
doctor: put me down
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”