soda and pop are not the same thing. you would never say “can I have a vodka pop” you say vodka soda bc soda is flavorless bubble water and pop is like coke and stuff. in this essay I will
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Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Inside me, there are two wolves and neither one of them knows what to make for dinner.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Holy crap this is wonderful