Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [to myself] ok, act cool

Crush: nice weather today

Me: thanks

“Pass the joint.”

-Cannibals at dinner

who called it hell and not heaven’t

Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.

[trying to impress a girl]

Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*

Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat

We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them

me: do you take walk-ins

dude at the crematorium: what

[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?

Sometimes I think about when a woman told me I did it the easy way having twins and I didn’t kick her in the crotch.

Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.

Nothing good happens on the credit card after midnight.

MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok

[later]

BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly

could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer

My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.

Overheard:

5yo : you think I’m ugly

6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no

This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.

That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.

[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP

Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.

If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”

maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins

Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.

“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.

[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”

When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…

So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼

Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.

But cases continue to rise.

There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one

Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?

Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.