Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants

[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenade

SARGE: mine

ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade

My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.

people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”

Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?

TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks

Why?

TRUMP: To make America grate again

If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.

4: Water!

Me: Ask me nicely

4: Actually, I’ll get it myself

Young people are too young nowadays. Back in the good old days, young people were my age.

Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.

Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”

Me: “No thank you.”

Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”

Me: “I’m in.”

My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”

I sent one back saying “who’s this?”

1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse

Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!

When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.

Windows 10? Cool!

Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95

ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember

Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨

Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away

I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.

I really need a better nickname for her.

The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.

Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.

No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.

Me: you need to pick up your Legos

4: can I ask you something first

M:

4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that

M:

4: I think that’s the best plan

M: um, no

4: screams

People with pretty privilege?

You mean the gourgeoisie???

My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.

I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue pies

Okay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version

Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.

GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me

Her Friend: How do u know

GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars

[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]

ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell

*getting attacked by a bear in France*

ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.