Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.

*12 hours later*

GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.

Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*

[5 months later]

Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”

Me: *unsubscribes*

[9 months later]

Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”

*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU

The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.

You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.

There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.

*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”

Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.

Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.

Me: What’s the opposite of squaring a number?

My teen: Circling?

Ask a stupid math question

My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.

Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me

*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO

The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.

Today’s assignment:

Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself

DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*

This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.

Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.

I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?

Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.

Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.

a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off

Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?

You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.

The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.

My safe word is now just a dry cough.

You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.

*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?

*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence

9: Yummm! What’s that smell?

Me: Cereal

When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.

[cabin rentals]

DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.

Dawn’s coming over.

“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”

*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.

Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?

Me: Hogwarts.