soft launching your call out the next day by telling everyone at work your stomach feels a little weird
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*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it