soft launching your call out the next day by telling everyone at work your stomach feels a little weird
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[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
The legends were true
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!