soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
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“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
He’s cranky this morning
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.