soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
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As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Only Americans understand
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Jack: hello, beans
Beans: hello, Jack
-Jack and the beans talk
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
