Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heart

My date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?

Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP

Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.

Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.

CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma

CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid

And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.

If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?

[January 1st]

Moon: whatcha gonna do today

Earth: START A REVOLUTION

*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*

I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.

Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?

Jane: I miss England

Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant

Good morning, Twitter 😊

when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag

Who needs an Air Fryer?

Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)

Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day

Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.

Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.

DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that

I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.

Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”

Do I laugh or….?

I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.

Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.

The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!

(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide

Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?

Cheers Twitter.

Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.

Me: I told him he would look good in it.

Being brave is overrated.

Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.

Me: I’m in tears

Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??

Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie