Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.

“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.

One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children

Mom, can you take us to the maul?

-teen bears, probably

My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning

Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?

Me: Butternut Squash

Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.

*plot gets twisted.

plot: Ouch!

My bf said he was sick of my jokes about ghosts having sex with owls.

Well, boo-fucking-hoo.

I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.

Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.

Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack

All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.

Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.

Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?

*entire restaurant gasps*

judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor

Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.

Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.

My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”

Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars

Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works

My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke

My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess

I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.

I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.

Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.

I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator

calling a guy “my ex”

-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriend

calling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”

-true
-but makes me look pathetic

Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.

Me: Do that thing I like.

Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*

I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…

trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”