soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
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Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Shoo shoo! 😂
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce