soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
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Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Lol #dogsoftwitter
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
I’ll tell the full story later but a 30 year old woman was like “let’s take this outside” to my 68 year old mom in a dollar general and mom was like YEAH YOU DON’T WANT THAT BUT OKAY and went outside and the b***h never came outside lol
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?