soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
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Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
it should be illegal to take a nap and still have a headache when you wake up. like no i shut it off and back on again why are you still here
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
I never saw myself as a mechanic but earlier today there was a rattle in my engine so I turned up the radio and it disappeared!
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
Well, well, well. How the wheels on the bus have gone round and round.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.