soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm![]()
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Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
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Tell me why I had to find out via HGTV house hunters that my OBGYN is searching for a house in Florida bc SHES MOVING???
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what