Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”

*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?

Although my parachute instructor was calm and softly spoken he always made me jump .

There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.

Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.

Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.

My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.

the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here

Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.

Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.

Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”

I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.

I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.

rewatching 2016 and 2020 election night coverage at 2x speed, to catch up with the first two in the trilogy before the finale drops tomorrow

Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”

What’s green, has six legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?

A billiard table.

How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?

It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”

Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.

🤣🤣🤣

doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood

*runs away from it all*

*runs back*

*grabs phone charger*

*runs away from it all again*

**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.

Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech

President The Rock Obama

when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”

I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”

You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?

A nap.

(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)

(Or naps.)

Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.

I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.

2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe

1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?