Software Development ⛵️
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SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Wife gets so many weird docs from doctors and insurance companies.
One is notorious for “click here to get emailed for password good for five minutes” password sent next day
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
banker: you’re spending more than you bring in
me: god forbid i’m good at something
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
My favorite things about Twitter are that everything you read is true, everyone is nice, and all intentions are pure of heart
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs