Software Development ⛵️
You Might Also Like
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Y’all know who you are.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Have a work dinner where I’ll be meeting lots of new, important people for the first time. It’s a good thing I’m normal about both People Perceiving Me and Eating