Software Development ⛵️
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On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Obsessed with when babies see a younger baby and say “baby!” Like girl, ur the Spider-Man meme right now
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.