Software Development ⛵️
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The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
A big FUCK YOU to people driving small cars and pulling deep into parking spaces so I think I have a spot until the last second.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
sir, my pâté if you please
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Just saw a sign in a car saying “Baby On Board”
That’s no way to run a business, is it?
Presumably it’s a non-executive role.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”