Software Development ⛵️
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Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
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☑️ I was drunk
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Me: I’m sick. Do we have any ginger ale?
Wife: No, just ginger beer.
Me: Does it work the same?
Wife: I don’t know.[9 Moscow Mules later]
Me [on front lawn, naked except for a cowboy hat]: IT WERKS BETTAH
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”