Software Development ⛵️
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Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
Always a little embarrassing having to admit that I met my wife through Twitter so whenever anyone asks I keep it vague and just say that she groomed me online.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Jeez…it’s like the people in this nursing home have never heard techno before.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
I’ve got lots of frenemies. That’s what I call French people who are my enemies.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
girls will be like “it’s fine” and then go and curse your whole bloodline.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.