Software Development ⛵️
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Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Netflix and you sit over there.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Make it a habit to cry and act unhinged at meetings so you’re never invited back
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Doctor’s visit today. They gave me a cute little light blue paper gown and I froze to death…
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.