Software Development ⛵️
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Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
Me: I’m Absolutely broke
State of the art tech advertisers who know every single detail of my life: She needs the nicest most expensive bag ever! Oh and Taylor Swift tickets, at 3 times the original price!
#wtfuture
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order