Software Development ⛵️
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pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
[spotify ai voice] ayo it’s ya dj, x. comin up, i’m gonna play you some music that sucks
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
I want my car horn changed so that every time I press it, it just yells “SERIOUSLY?!”
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
airing out the snack pack
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Just saw a bird run across the street if you were wondering if anyone else is wasting their gifts.
I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
You know you have a bag of frozen peas in the freezer that looks like this. Don’t lie.
