Software Development ⛵️
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I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.
The biggest lesson I learned while drunk is that one should never put the chips in the same cabinet as the cheese grater
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
New Cartoon for Alta magazine
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
