Software Development ⛵️
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People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
The real body count is how many people are in therapy because of you
i’m sure it’s fine
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
They should make a tanning bed that constantly rolls you over like a gas station hotdog.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.